How to Set Boundaries with Family Over the Holidays (Without the Guilt!)

When you set boundaries, you show your inner child they are worthy of love.

If we took a holiday ...

Oh, the weather inside is … frightful. The holidays can be a season of love, joy, and ... triggers. For many of us, the idea of setting boundaries with family feels like stepping into a thunderstorm with a flimsy umbrella. At best, it’s uncomfortable, and at worst, a recipe for retraumatization that'll take months of your precious New Year to work through. But here’s the truth: Boundaries aren’t walls to keep people out, and triggers aren't here to hurt you. Boundaries are bridges that help you maintain your peace while still nurturing your relationships, and triggers are cues to tell you what is next on your agenda to heal.

You absolutely can trade stress and resentment for calm and clarity this holiday season. Keep reading to get the holiday experience you 100% deserve.

The Iron Fence, c. 1927. Russell T. Limbach (American, 1904–1971). Lithograph; The Cleveland Museum of Art, Gift of The Print Club of Cleveland 1927.173.
I picked this image because boundaries are like fences -- we can choose to respect them, but we also have to be aware that others may choose to go around them. Iron fences are harder to ignore than boundaries though!

With that said, here are 6 steps to bringing more safety and self-love into your holiday experiences.

1. Get Clear on What You're Dreading and Transform them into Non-Negotiables

Before you can communicate boundaries, you need to know what they are. Take a moment to reflect on what you are most dreading about upcoming holiday plans, and switch the script on them. 

Are you worried about being completely drained energetically? Can you already hear your relatives' criticism about your life choices? Do you just know that your kids are going to get hyped up on sugar and go to bed 2 hours late for days on end?

Write down your non-negotiables. This could look like:

• "At family gatherings, I need to have a quiet place where I can rest if I need a break."

• "I will not discuss my parenting choices at dinner."

• "My kids will only get one sweet treat per day, we will set this expectation in advance with them, and we will politely decline any additional treats offered."

• "No matter what, we will leave all holiday events so that we can be home by 8PM."

These aren't selfish — they’re self-honoring.

2. Communicate Early and Compassionately

Boundaries are kindest when they’re communicated early. Waiting until the moment of conflict often leads to frustration and misunderstandings. Call or text your family ahead of time with loving clarity.

Here’s a script you can borrow:

“Hi [Family Member], I’m so looking forward to seeing everyone for the holidays. To make sure I’m able to show up as my best self, I wanted to share something with you ahead of time. This year, I’m focusing on [insert priority — my mental health, rest, etc.]. That means I’ll [insert boundary — be leaving by 8 PM, not discussing certain topics, need a quiet place to rest, etc.]. I’m sharing this so we’re all on the same page and can have a wonderful, stress-free time together.”

Notice how you’re leading with love, clarity, and self-respect. No apologies. No justifications.

3. Expect (and Prepare For) Pushback

Not everyone will love your boundaries — and that’s okay. People who benefited from your lack of boundaries in the past may resist your new ones.

It’s not your job to manage their feelings. In our family, we say, "That's not my mud." In other words, we all have "mud" -- issues we each need to deal with -- and we've each got our own fair share of it. It's not our job -- nor is it kind or loving -- to try to help someone else with their issues ("mud"), especially if they're projecting their mud onto you because they're not ready to deal with it yet themselves.

If Aunt Susan says, “But we’ve always done it this way,” you can kindly reply, “I understand it’s different this year. It’s important for me to honor my needs, and I’d love your support with that.”

Rehearse these responses ahead of time so you’re not caught off guard. Stay calm, grounded, and firm. You’re not doing anything wrong.

4. Use "I" Statements (They’re a Game Changer)

When we’re triggered, it’s easy to slip into blame language. But "you” statements often make people defensive. Try "I" statements instead. For example:

• Instead of: “You always bring up my failed career at dinner.”

• Say: “I’m not available for conversations about my career.”

This subtle shift makes a big difference. You’re taking ownership of your needs instead of placing blame.

This helps you be calm. It helps you be clear. It helps you stand in your personal power.

5. Give Yourself Permission to Disengage

Sometimes, the most loving boundary is distance. If a conversation is triggering you, give yourself full permission to walk away -- and take note of the trigger! You can come back to it later when it's safe to investigate with curiosity.

You owe nothing to no one except yourself: Honor your triggers, tell them you are listening, and move yourself out of any environment that’s emotionally unsafe. The place to deal with triggers is with your therapist, or in EFT Tapping, or during your yoga practice. NOT at Aunt Susan's house.

Practice these exit strategies:

• "I’m going to step outside for some fresh air.”

• "I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. I’m going to take a moment to center myself.”

• "This topic feels sensitive for me. Can we shift to something lighter?”

You’re not being rude — you’re taking care of yourself. The people who love you will understand. The ones who don’t? Well, they’re just going to have to adjust, or face consequences of damage to your relationship. Your job is to take care of YOU first, not them.

6. Practice Self-Compassion (Not Perfection)

Setting boundaries requires loads of self-forgiveness. If you haven't been practicing for your entire life (rather, you've been practicing the opposite of setting boundaries!), it takes a lot of time and stumbles to get good at it. You'll fall into old patterns and kick yourself for neglecting your own needs in hindsight.

For example, for my entire life, my communication dynamic with my father was one where I said something I believed, and he would tell me that I was incorrect. In the midst of trying to learn how to set boundaries with him, it still knocked me off my feet (metaphorically) when my brother observed, after listening to one of our conversations, "So now I finally understand what gaslighting looks like. He was totally gaslighting you." I hadn't been able to see it. It took someone else to point it out to me, so that I could see what new boundaries needed to be set.

In that instance, my realization that I hadn't set the necessary boundaries became one of celebration. For one, it was validating for my brother to show me his support with his insight. But also, I stepped further into my own power to claim my right to my authentic truth. I could have beat myself up about letting my father step all over my opinions yet AGAIN. But instead I realized, oh, that's what he does. And he's been doing it forever. And I don't have to put up with it anymore.

Boundaries = Love

When you set boundaries, you show your inner child that they are worthy of love. You show your family that you love yourself enough to stand up for what you need.

Wishing you a season of fully aligned "yeses" and powerful "no thank yous.”

Need some extra TLC navigating those boundaries?

Sign up for a one-on-one Human Design Reading, Intuitive EFT Tapping Session, or Remote Reiki Treatment to help you make it through the holidays with your inner peace and self-love restored.